A Disjointed Feeling Sorry For Myself Rant – Apologies!

(Quick note – I was going to post this last Thursday before flying to Germany on short notice for the deeply sad and unexpected event of my uncles funeral, however it obviously wasn’t my priority, neither once in Germany where I had precious little time with family, so here’s my belated rant)

Last Monday it was my 22nd Birthday, another new beginning, another new year in my life. I hadn’t really pondered the whole ‘new year in my life’ aspect yet as I found out a couple of days before my birthday that my uncle had died of an unexpected heart attack. On Tuesday after work a horrible realization then started to sink in; triggered by something my dad said I started to really contemplate the last year of my life and my future. My dad was explaining to a friend how out of the blue my uncles death was and said – you know he wasn’t unhealthy, he wasn’t overweight, he didn’t smoke, didn’t really drink, he ate a balanced diet, may not have consciously gone to the gym to stay fit, but was active in everyday life and certainly not unfit in any way… – These words struck a chord with me. I couldnt help but notice that all the things my uncle wasn’t and didn’t do, I am and I do, and I just thought – shit! My BMI is obese, I smoke, I can enjoy my nights out and in with plenty of booze, I don’t regularly use my gym membership or do exercise in general and lastly I may tell myself my meals are 90% healthy, but who am I kidding, I haven’t cut my portion sizes down and I still cave to binge-full snacking which ruins my effort with healthy meals. Essentially I may have turned myself into a living walking time bomb – I have all the conditions that can lead to heart attacks! What am I doing to myself, to my body??!! Diabetes also runs in the family and I fit the category perfectly for that weight related illness too!

It is a good half year since I started this blog and November (I think it was November) was such a brilliant month!! I lost 13lbs cutting out sugar! And what I don’t understand is why I have not been able to get back into the same mind frame again since?! I have kept some good habits like most days I will have banana on bread for breakfast, and I am eating lots of veg with my meals, but my downfall is still snacking!! And over time even my god habits are being less and less frequented. Also, little things like when I said I’d try drinking water before a meal to fill me up and chew more slowly went straight out the window because I completely forgot! I mean I haven’t gained weight at least, I’ve jojoed between 14st 3lbs and 14st 10lbs since November staying under 15st. I am not happy with this however!! I’m embarrassed to have to admit my 0% progress again and again. I’m ashamed with myself for not keeping my priorities in mind!!!

I am literally crying inside right now! I hate myself and I hate the way I look! I keep seeing old photographs and at the time I felt just as big as I do now, but right now I’d do anything to just be the size I was even just a couple of years ago where I could fit into a 14/16 and not have to sometimes even stretch to a 20 because of my bust and bingo wings. I feel so shit right now. I feel like the laughing stock. (written before Germany) On Thursday I am flying to Germany with my dad for my uncles funeral and I’m going to have to admit that I am embarrassed to have to show myself at this weight. I am one of if not the heaviest person in my extended family, no kidding, they pretty much all lead very active healthy lives and gave good metabolic rates or good self control to stay in shape, whatever lucky genes they can thank for their size 8 and 10 bodies I wasn’t so lucky to catch. I always feel soo out of place amongst them. I love them to bits and we all get on very well and I know they love me for who I am, but I still feel like the oddball.

It is such a good feeling being told you look good when someone notices you’ve lost weight – its only happened to me once but I want that feeling of pure joy and achievement again! I want to make heads turn and gasp when I meet people who haven’t seen me in ages and they can see the transformation I’ve gone through – that would be such an awesome feeling, it would boost my self confidence soo much, but it’s not something that get’s handed to you on a plate, it is something I need to truly work for, something I need to earn!

I keep thinking I need to do sober October again as an aid to loose weight because although I have swapped drinks to less sugary drinks, alcohol in general still has calories and can be avoided; but part of me is like, but oooh noo, I love a nice beer and I can’t just not drink 😮 But seriously?! What is more important to me?!?! That I will live a long happy and healthy life? or that I can keep drinking? I have definitely started casual drinking a lot more recently, a nice beer with meals or one in the sun to chill, those I think need to stop. If I can’t cut alcohol completely (although lets be honest that’s just an excuse because of course I technically could) then at least I need to dramatically reduce it!!! If I go on a night out 2 beers should be my maximum! And otherwise I shouldnt really drink at all!

I also need to stop being lazy with my exercise, I keep saying I can’t fit it into my day, but again just an excuse, either I need to make time for it, or if I really can’t fit the gym in, then I can do exercises at home, I have dumbells and can squat, every little helps!

The next step is to just tough luck it and go back to my low sugar diet, if that means no jam for breakfast and no sweets of flavoured yogurts or chocolate then so the fuck be it!

Furthermore, my friends and I talked of a summer holiday, trying to find a last minute deal, but at this rate I don’t even want to go as I will be miss Blobbly hiding in a swimming costume next to my friends looking hot to trot in bikinis. I could easily have been 4 stone lighter by now if I’d continued the way I did in October/November. That depresses me so much, I want to prove to other people that I can stick to something but I mostly need to be able to prove it to myself! (written after Germany) In addition my extended family usually has a one way together every summer and this year it’s in Corsica. At first I didn’t think I’d be able, but ‘s a serious possibility which mean, there’s no way I will go to a beach holiday and be the only size 18 in a bikini amongst all my slim cousins – I’d be mortified!!! The holiday is roughly the first week in September so  have 2 month to shift some weight and tone up! Otherwise no holiday for me!

Right, now I want to apologise for this very long rant of mine, I don’t even know what you must think of me and my constant failures and lectures to myself, god knows I’m mortified at the repeated fails and restarts. Hope you’re all well and doing better than me at the moment!

Carina xo